Living here at this time in my body has been what I call a fucking roller coaster. There’s no other word that I can use to describe what is happening inside and outside of myself. The last two years have uncovered feelings and emotions that I cannot seem to comprehend even on a good day. Why does life seem to constantly bring us into situations that make us uncomfortable? Why does life seem to constantly throw us curve balls that we can’t seem to dodge no matter how hard we try to do the right thing? Simple. You can’t control it.
So why can’t we control the world? Why can’t we just live in peace and harmony with ourselves and everyone in our lives? Why do situations make us feel resentful, jealous, disappointed, confused? All these emotions I am currently feeling as I write this post. A little backstory perhaps to explain what is coming up for me. So sit back, have a coffee and witness what it’s like to grow and learn from life’s lessons as I enthral you with my roller coaster in Aneta’s beautifully chaotic story hour…or however long it takes you to read this. I don’t know how fast you read so we will call it an hour cause it might feel like that…long and painful…much like this lesson…anyways…
Life’s a lesson in disguise
Last year I met someone who is part of my soul family. She has been a profound and fundamental person in my growth during the last year and I love her friendship and her authenticity. We have shared many conversations that I dare not have with any other friend in this lifetime. Perhaps that might change in the future but for now, she is my ride of die. Together we have uncovered hidden truths about ourselves and our journey that has had a significant affect on me and my life. I cannot speak for her but I do believe it has been a very symbiotic relationship.
I have never been a spiritual person which I have written about in past posts but for some reason she entered my life and thus has sparked a roller coaster of internal work that I absolutely love to hate. That being said, I now understand the human mind a little bit more and thus understand where my emotions and feelings come from. This morning I felt something that sparked a particular domino effect. I was ignored through a text. And it was not intentional I know. However this particular moment (perceived through my own eyes and experience as I am the one experiencing my own life) caused me to feel jealousy, disappointment and rejection. Amazing how one single act (unbeknownst to the other party) caused all this to surface for me.
So what did I do? I created a story in my head. A story to amuse myself with while I tried desperately to make myself feel better. Why would she do that? Where was she and what is she doing without me? She always texts me back so why not now? Am I being replaced? And am I being used and abused? Have I done something to cause this? On and on I created a story. A distraction to take away from the event. But why this event? Why did this particular situation trigger me so much? That my friends is the real question that needs answers.
Having been witness to my own experience and only my own, I have come to realize that everything that comes up for us in this life is a lesson. Every interaction. Every moment we are forced to learn. That is the essence of this human experience we call life. It’s exhausting I know. But this is the real work that needs doing. Taking a long hard look at your internal world which includes conversations with yourself is the key to mastering your own happiness.
So what does that look like? For me it included feeling the emotions and just sitting with them. No judgement. No explanation. Just being a witness to it. I had to acknowledge this moment for what it was. An emotion that came up and made me question my role in my friendship. Jealousy, disappointment and feelings of self worth. A major theme for me for all these emotions stem from my fear of abandonment. As a child my father left and it that absence and self sacrificing act of leaving to create a better life for me and my family, ironically created a lifelong battle with abandonment issues. Wild right?
So as I sat with this emotion and the story I told myself I began to take a look at what that felt like in my body. Where was I feeling this emotion? My back hurt. But was that from this or from my ongoing exercise regimen? Moving onto the next feeling was my heart hurt a little. It felt sad. But that wasn’t a dominant feature. Then I tuned my gaze inward (basically listened to the first thing that came into my head) and that felt like a blockage in my throat. A blockage in my throat chakra if you will for all you spiritualists attached to words. That was most evident for what I was feeling. It felt like a lump in my throat. Almost like an inability to speak about my feelings. Like a literal frog in your throat. Or for me this could go back to my inability to express my sadness for my own father leaving me as a child. As a child it’s much harder for kids to express themselves for fear of being scolded. Sound familiar?
The longer I sat with this emotion the longer I was able to bear witness to how it first came on, second how it made me feel and lastly how to move past it. Easier said than done. Trust me. You are literally watching me work through my own beautiful chaos. I thought about texting back. I thought about bailing on our morning yoga practice. I thought about calling her out. I thought about ignoring what came up for me. I thought too much so I stopped. I stopped thinking and let my fingers do the work.
First, I bailed on yoga. I needed time to process what I was feeling. I will do my practice later in the day.
Second, I wrote. That’s what I was called to do. I was called to sit and write it all down so I could process what came up and how I could move past it. So you’re asking yourself how did I move past it? At the time of this writing I do feel better about the emotion and what is caused but I haven’t moved past it yet. I guess that will take more time. I know that you dear reader are probably disappointed in that answer but that’s my truth. I am only human having this human experience and working my way through it. Also a key takeaway is there is no quick fix. No one can promise you a quick resolution. If they do they’re more than likely full of shit and ego. We all have work to do. Whatever that looks like is individual. However, make no mistake, we all have our own journey and you just happen to read about mine.
Work isn’t for the weak
Shadow work is amazing once you recognize it for what it is. We are all mirrors for each other. Some are just more evident than others. In this particular morning event I was forced to sit with some hard truths about myself. I am not perfect. I am not always grounded and balanced. I have work to do and I acknowledge it. But it is quite beautiful to witness and even more profound to experience it. I’m even beginning to have a smile on my face about this morning. Seems trivial to get so worked up about something so little as a text. But we all go through it. Everything we feel matters but there’s a lesson there for you. And sometimes it’s the people in your life that will bring this lesson forward without knowing it. Take it and learn from it. Whatever that looks like for you. For me it’s a life long lesson in knowing that my childhood experiences don’t define me. They are part of my story but they are not me. Like I said, a work in progress.
Man, being a human is exhausting. I bet I was drunk when I decided to come down here and do the work this lifetime. I’m sure I will have a good laugh later but for now I have to send this blog to my friend so that she knows the story she created in her head ins’t true about me bailing on yoga. Namaste bitches and #fuckyourlifestyle.
God damn it
I’m emotionalSnotty Noze Rez Kids