I met myself in a field one morning. Just after I did my yoga I met myself during my final resting pose of Savasana.
I was roughly 15 years old. A boy. A Native American living with my family. We had just set up our teepees close to a creek but far away enough to be hidden. There was a field. The fire was going. It was spring. Snow was still on the ground but small patches of bluebells could be seen vying for their time in the sun.
I had long black hair. Tied in braids. With only a cloth to hide my private parts. I stood staring at a young blonde girl with curly hair. She was about 8 or 9. I was both of those kids yet I did not see the scene with either eyes. I was hovering above. Like an eagle that flies from place to place and sees with more than just eyes. I was also able to feel the love between the pair. Like an unspoken tongue only shared by the same soul. We just stood. Neither of us moving. The wind was quiet and calm. I could smell the fire. Almost the same smell I always smell in my dreams. A tar and old ash smell. Something out of an old chimney like the chimney cleaners from my childhood in Poland.
I have been here before. In this field. I have seen the same mountain range. The same rows of trees. The same sun and clouds. But now there sits a house. With fences. And electrical wires. And a road with even more posts and electrical wires. This is where I live. As of August 2021, this is where I now live. In this same field where I met myself this morning.
Do you believe in destiny? Do you believe that somehow we will always be where we need to be no matter how fast and how hard we try and swim upstream?
There is a deep knowing that I cannot explain on paper that I have been here before. Perhaps you feel the same. Somewhere in your heart of hearts, you feel like you’ve done this before. How else are you drawn to your hobbies? Your interests? Your way of being? What about your dreams?
Since I was a young kid I was always fascinated with dreams. With my own imagination. The thoughts that could create a story about myself and those around me. I would spend hours on end daydreaming with my head in the clouds as they say. Hours upon hours of thinking of make believe. Always taking on new characters with new situations. Always stuck in my mind. Needless to say school was not my friend growing up. I preferred to read and draw. I also loved singing and wanted to act on stage. Hours upon hours spent daydreaming of what that would be like.
Now I’m 41 and still stuck in my head. But there has been an awakening if you want to call it that in the last 3 years that has opened me up to a world I had left behind as a child. It has been made clear to me that I have unresolved abandonment trauma from my childhood. This is something I have been quite aware of for years and have struggled to gain control of. That part of myself I perhaps left behind whenever puberty hit and the world told me who I should be versus who I really was. I’m sure we have all been there. Trying desperately to understand ourselves. Why we are the way we are. Why we had to be made this way. Why we were born into this family. How it would feel to be something or somebody else.
When I met myself this morning I realized that life does not end with death. I always knew it but this was a validation of everything I have gone through in the last 3 years. Compounded down to a single moment. While resting in my final pose of Shavasana on my mat in a house where I used to live before I lived here.
Coincidence or fate?
Back in the spring of 2020, 3 years ago almost to the date, I decided to take a drive out of Calgary to go and meet a group of homeschoolers in Sundre. On my way to Sundre I decided to turn down a road that read “Elkton Valley Campground”. It was a clear and sunny day. There was no desire to see anything here but just a curiosity on taking a different route to our destination. While on this road the kids and I stumbled upon an old abandoned one room schoolhouse. The doors and windows were barred shut. There was no indication that this school had been used in perhaps decades. So naturally we stopped. The kids automatically thought it was haunted so the desire to stop and check it out was even more profound. So we did just that.
I did not think about this schoolhouse for months until my husband and I decided to move out of Calgary. We had no intention of going anywhere specific. We just knew we needed to move out of the city and Covid presented us with the opportunity so we took it. We looked at many homes in various locations but never found anything that we wanted. Throughout this search we drove all over central Alberta but we were always called to stay close to the mountains. For whatever reason we felt like that’s where we belonged. An inner yearning that kept us looking for months. We finally found a home conveniently located close to a small town named Sundre. Little did I know that this house was located close to that little one room schoolhouse the kids and I stumbled upon back in April of 2020.
We moved into our new house in August of 2021 and never looked back. It did take us a while to adjust to life on an acreage. After living in a city for most of our lives it was hard to come to terms with always being in the dark. No street lights. No city lights. No car lights. No noise. Just the wind and the coyotes. And on occasion the neighbours’ dogs. One night while entertaining some friends I came to witness a phenomenon that I could not explain. A friend of mine just froze during one of our conversations and suddenly became quite scared of the space around her. She explained to me that she felt a surge of energy that made her reluctant to turn her back to the darkness outside. Once she moved away from the widows she came to tell me she felt a presence creep on outside. Nothing that made her scared but aware of a force that generated a surge of urgency. A power that showed itself in the form of warrior spirits. I could feel the sudden shift in energy and came not to be afraid of it but also felt at ease with it. As if it was part of the space we occupied. A warrior like energy had risen and was now part of what we both felt in the same space. I cannot explain the feeling of that night. I can only say that I was not scared of it. I did not cringe and want to hide from it. I was awe struck at how calming it felt. Like someone had wrapped me in a blanket and lit a fire around me. I felt like I was home.
I have lived many places in my life but I have only felt like that in this house. This house has become a home. A place that I feel at peace in and completely safe. For the first time in my life I feel like I am home. I have fallen in love with this place that I can call mine. Even if for a little bit.
The most recent experience brings me to a pivotal moment where I have uncovered for myself why I am where I am. Why after so many options to purchase a home anywhere in this province, I ended up being here. Taking up this space. Taking in this scenery. Taking in this community. I am exactly where I need to be.
Work is not for the faint of heart
For other various reasons this story won’t give a lot of details as to who and what brought me to seek a little helping hand. That part of the story is not mine to tell but what I can tell you is it did play a role in bringing me to meet a certain person in my life. She has now become an integral part of this story and plays a role in my last story as well. This is why I came to know myself in a field this morning while laying on my mat in my final resting pose of Savasana.
When you start to heal your inner child you are exposed to a plethora of uncovered emotions. These emotions we hide when we are hurt as children. It is not until we realize that if left unhealed they will keep showing up day in and day out throughout our adult lives. Ever wondered why you keep reliving the same situations but with different people? And why the same emotions anyways keep showing up during these situations? It is because we have not yet healed and learned our lesson. Therefore we keep repeating old patterns and keep reliving the same heartache. The same anxiety. The same anger. The same lack of worthiness. The same darkness. It’s time to look at this part of yourself and unveil what is hiding in the shadows.
During one of my TIR (Traumatic Incident Reduction) sessions while trying to work though some old emotions a recurrent shoulder pain showed up. In the exact same spot as always. And the smells from a recurrent dream also flooded my sense. The smell of ash. Smoke and ash. Old and dingy and dirty. Like the smell of chimney cleaners. And the feeling of being scared. The feeling of wanting to hide. The feeling of wanting to get away. To get away from whatever was about to happen. Like I’ve been here before. Like I knew what was coming and I did not want it. It felt wrong. It felt like a violation. Like I was being forced against my will. Like I was trapped and could not get away. I have never felt such a surge of sickness take hold of me before. And in that moment I knew exactly what had happened to me in a different life.
For the sake of this blog I will not go into details as that is also not part of the story I wish to share. The part that I do want to share is what happened after this moment of temporally suspended reality.
Whether you as the reader believe in using divination tools to guide you are irrelevant as I use these tools as a guide for myself. And since this is my story I will share with you what using these tools made me aware of. By no means do I use them to see into the future or rely on them dictating my choices. However, I do use them to gain a better understanding of current or past situations if I need to understand something from a different perspective. They are guides. Nothing more.
With that being said, after this experience I needed to fully understand what had transpired and how I can take that situation and move forward. And perhaps why this was having such a profound impact on my current state of wellbeing. So I turned to my cards for some guidance. And what came to me unravelled what has been coming to the surface for some time but we have shielded our eyes away from. The massive world wide abuse of children is what awakened me in the first place to the current state of our world. It is no wonder that this is what opened my eyes as I was a child who became entangled in the massive genocide of children in Canada.
It is also no wonder that I met myself in a field where my past self and inner child came together. As I laid on my mat in my final resting pose of Savasana it became clear to me why I ended up where I am. There are no words I can use in the English language that can even begin to describe the feelings that encounter brought forward. It is a miracle that my life with all the choices I have had to make in my 41 years of living have brought me here. To the exact same spot where I once roamed. I am unaware while writing this post the history of the one room schoolhouse in Elkton. I do not feel an urgency to know beyond the fact that is a remnant of the past and I just happen to live close to it. Whether I attended that school or not is not of importance to me. Meeting myself in a field has brought me to a point in my life where I whole heartedly believe in my own experiences. The part of myself that I closed off as a child growing up in Poland. During communism while nuns and the Roman Catholic Church were at the core of the community. It is again no wonder that I ended up where I am.
Where to go from here?
So are all these events coincidences? I don’t believe they are. I believe that my journey is not yet over. I also know that there is something more for me to do here while I live on this temporary plane of existence. What that is will reveal itself in due time. But for now I’m happy to have connected with myself in a field while resting in my final pose of Savasana in a house that I used to live before I lived here.
Millions of people never analyze themselves. Mentally they are mechanical products of the factory of their environment, preoccupied with breakfast, lunch and dinner, working and sleeping, and going here and there to be entertained. They don’t know what or why they are seeking, nor why they never realize complete happiness and satisfaction. By evading self-analysis, people go on being robots, conditioned by their environment. True self-analysis is the greatest art of progress.Pramahansa Yogananda