{How going Carnivore transformed my Massage Therapy Career}
That’s a bold statement. But I stand behind it. There is very little room for me to believe that I could ever continue working in this industry if it wasn’t for the drastic changes I had made to my diet and lifestyle.
Transforming my perspective
Back in 2005 I started what I could never have thought would end up a career that would span over two decades. I have been witness to many changes in the profession in that time but one of the most profound was my very own. Having started my career with no real hands on experience with the world of massage was perhaps a good place to start. A clean slate. A fresh beginning. When I entered massage school I never had a massage. Never even spent a day at a spa or had any sort of hands on therapy. So why did I choose this profession? I wrote all about that in my blog titled „Why I chose Massage Therapy as a Career” but for this post all you need to know is that I had zero experience with massage before starting my career.
Going into a career path with blind faith may sound absurd to some. Looking back at it, it just made sense. I had certain criteria I wanted to fill and Massage Therapy just happened to tick off all of those boxes. Or so I thought. I started the program in the Winter of 2003 at the age of 21. Two years after I took a „gap year” from high school. I had never even thought about massage as an option until one day I realized that I could no longer work at a grocery store and clean toilets for a living. My interests have always been around the human body and so after much contemplation and research (which was honestly the easiest, cheapest and fastest way) to get some sort of a formal paper, Massage Therapy became my path. I originally started part time studies which involved evening classes 3 days a week. This meant I was working from 5am till 1pm at the local grocery store, going to my second job of cleaning from 2-5pm then night school 6-9pm. I continued this path for a few months until I left for Europe for 2 months in the summer of 2003.
Upon my return my life changed drastically which forced me to quit school and pursue my other interests, travelling. I had booked myself a one way plane ticket and a work visa and was planning on spending 6 months down under just working and living my best life. I ended up staying 7 days before I ventured back home. Another story for another time perhaps. After this little hiatus from school, I went back in the Fall of 2004 for full time studies and graduated in August of 2005. During this time, I was a vegetarian, a chronic smoker and a heavy drinker. I started eating meat again in 2006 and my diet was forever transformed.
Bouts of insanity
My first job after getting my Massage Therapy diploma was at a local chiropractic clinic in my neighbourhood. I worked alongside two others therapists that had some years under their belt which made my work environment intimidating at first. Being fresh out of school means you have some time to work up some confidence which I clearly lacked. I have always thought of myself as a highly competitive person so my motivation to be better at my job then my coworkers served as the ground work for what was to come later in my life. For the first 15 years of my career I lived a very high carbohydrate lifestyle. After introducing meat into my diet, I was no longer fixated on what I couldn’t eat, but everting that I could. So naturally, I spent 15 years making up for what I didn’t eat during my vegetarian years (between the ages of 16-22).
I have written extensively on my journey with my diet in other blog posts which involves my transition into a more animal based, carnivore lifestyle. A far cry from my 16 year old self. But before I came to this way of eating, I was suffocating under the weight of my own weight, literally. Work became difficult because I was always tired. Granted, massage therapy does require a certain amount of stamina, but what I experienced felt more like a daily slow death from the inside out. I became resentful of my job. I somehow took on all of my clients pains and held onto them unknowingly. There would be days where all I wanted to do was to call in sick or make some excuse for decreasing the amount of clients I saw. I became weak with bouts of anger during treatment sessions. I would often find myself dozing off and suffering from what often times can be referred to as „hangry” symptoms. My job was becoming the bain of my existence.
There were a few times during that 15 years that I often felt pulled away from leaving my career. I found myself always gravitating towards a more entrepreneurial space. From baking to wedding decorating. I even once went back to upgrade my high school so I could get into a sonography program at SAIT in Calgary. Needless to say, that did not pan out for me either. My dissatisfaction with my career grew as the years kept going by but I somehow always fell into working as a massage therapist. It was known to me. It was comfortable. With bouts of intense insanity throughout it all.
I struggled with maintaining a clear objective in being a willing participant in my career. However, I was also dealing with my own inner demons. Impostor syndrome was a big one that seemed to rears its ugly head quite often during my years as a massage therapist. In 2017, I decided instead of moving away completely from massage I would add on another modality that seemed to peak an interest for me. Instead of moving away how about I incorporate what I had already known and add to my toolbox. It was during this time period that I went in for my Active Release Techniques training in Colorado. This also coincided with my transition into a ketogenic diet. I had stared the keto diet in April of 2017 and travelled to Colorado for my training that August. It was this drastic change in my eating habits that contributed to my willingness to try something which I viewed as terrifying. I was scheduled to go to a week long course with chiropractors, physios and athletic therapists from all over the world that had years of education and training behind them. I was just a massage therapist. Looking back on that decision, I believe it was the fact that I was starting to heal my own inner talk that propelled me to do more of the things that terrified me. I was attacking my impostor syndrome head on.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
My week long training in Colorado proved to be a pivotal time in my life. It created an inner drive in me that I did not know was there. It propelled me to move into a space that was largely occupied by what I deemed, a high calibre of professionals which I felt I could never compare to. During that week the stress that I endured was definitely in hindsight self inflicted. I had preconceived ideas that my training and my education could not live up to the ones that were taking the same course. My inner dialogue become one of defeat and despair. However, my diet did not become my crutch. I was able to keep myself going on a very low carb and high fat route during this time. I was devoted to it simply because my inner hunger was louder than my weakness’. I often wonder where that came from? In my previous years, I would have easily succumbed to defeat. I would have fed my emotions. And I would have fed them with croissants and ice cream. However, what I remember feeling is that was no longer an option for me. I knew I felt worse after eating the foods that brought me to my lowest. I knew deep down inside that if I was to succumb to those demons, it would be a long way back for me.
After my return from Colorado, I stumbled upon the carnivore diet and had massive hesitations towards it. I was so sure in my conviction that I was doing everything correct that I refused to look at it because I was having such great results from simply going keto. But after much reading and listening to various people in the space I decided to try it. At first, I only lasted a month before I started to re-introduce vegetables back into my diet. It was an instant regret. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the carnivore diet was about to reveal a world I had yet to experience. And this experience was there to unravel my 15 years of disdain and loathing I created for myself in my profession as a massage therapist.
During the first 15 years of my career I suffered not only from imposter syndrome but I was also experiencing fatigue, depression, contrast injuries from work, low back pain, join pain, irritability, brain fog, difficulty breathing, anxiety, lapses in memory, lethargy and chronic hunger that manifested as headaches. My work day ranged from 4-6 hours and most often then not would have one or two 90 minute sessions. For those of you who don’t work in this industry, I cannot stress the fact that 90 minutes is an incredibly long time to be in a dark room more often than not, in silence. Not only is massage a physically demanding job, it’s a mental carnival. You can read about my personal experience with that aspect of my career here.
As I mentioned above, my career was filled with daily aches and pains that I simply contributed to my work and my work alone. I never looked at any other aspect besides what I thought was my lack of interest and a growing resentment in my career alone. By again by happenstance, once I shifted my diet my outlook and my approach to my career completely shifted as well. My daily pains and aches started to diminish in frequency and intensity. When I started to feel better on the inside, it was natural that those feelings would manifest on the outside too. „For this is the great error of our day in the treatment of the human body, that physicians separate the mind from the body” quoted Socrates. I for one, am a believer in such a simple statement. Change your mind, change your body. And vice versa. Change your body, and you can change your mind.
Not only did I experience daily aches and pains, I was also experiencing massive depression. Like I mentioned before, I became resentful of my career and those who would end up on my table. Why did I loathe it so much and yet could never find anything else that worked for me? It was a struggle day in and day out heading into a place that I knew where my clients weren’t willing to the do the work. They weren’t willing to help themselves and relied so heavily on someone like me to „heal” them and to help them. Ironically, I too, was exhibiting the same self hatred and loathing as they were. I wasn’t willing to do the work on myself to better my life. My clients were simply a reflection of me. Until, they weren’t.
Benefits of going carnivore
Once I took control of my life head on. Once I was able to look in that mirror and see what was staring back at me was when I shifted. It was at first an external change. I changed my diet and got rid of all highly processed foods, sugars, grains and everything that came in a neatly wrapped package. I even cleared out my pantry off all the gadgets that sat idly by waiting to be noticed. I started Carnivore in May of 2017 and have not looked back. Well, occasionally I do look back and am grateful that I am no longer living in that space. And often times, it’s a gentle reminder of how far I’ve come.
Before I began my carnivore journey I would always fatigue quite rapidly during my treatment sessions. No matter if they were 30 or 90 minute sessions. I would always have to pack snacks to get me through the day. I would always feel out of breath with some clients because my respiratory system was struggling with keeping up with the excursion of such a psychically demanding job. How many of you have gone for a massage and can hear your therapist struggling to breathe? It’s uncomfortable to hear because it shows that the person trying to help you can’t even breath. It’s the same concept as taking health advise from an overweight doctor. You cannot preach health and wellness when you yourself aren’t healthy or well. And often times, breathing can be an indicator of health on a very subtle level. One which as someone who works in the field, pays very close attention to.
After the external changes that I experienced, it was natural for the internal to shift as well. My brain fog cleared up. I was able to think in more creative but logical ways. I was no longer operating out of my emotions like I was used to. I was able to think in clearer ways and that change alone transformed how I approached my work. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t an overnight shift. It started slow. The ball was being formed at the top of the hill before it took on a life all it’s own and grew exponentially over the years. But with each day I was able to approach my work on a daily basis. I became more focused on the here and now and less focused on where I wanted to go. I became focused on chopping wood and carrying water. Day in and day out. That was my mantra. And with that I was able to start hearing with my eyes and seeing with my hands.
To see with your hands
It’s hard to fathom what that means. I know it may sound otherworldly and very „out there” for the modern person in our society. It’s hard to reason with the logical parts of our brains. The part that wants everything to be put into a box and inspected and analyzed in pretty charts and graphs. I cannot do that. I cannot conceptualize what it means to work with your hands and be able to see things that our human eye cannot. It is an inner knowing that shows up in our minds eye. That little part of our humanness that most of society has thrown under the bus along with the concept of natural immunity. It is the part of us that shows us the compass of our souls and not just our physical being. To be able to work with my hands and to sense things that used to make me question what it is I was trying to accomplish on a particular person is no more. The logical parts is still there, the part that knows where one muscle starts and ends but it’s this other part that we simply cannot classify. And it’s not because it doesn’t exist, it’s because it doesn’t fit with what science is unable to place into small tangible sound bites.
With my brain fog and mental clarity came an appreciation for what I was doing. And it wasn’t „healing” anyone. I was taking control of my life and no longer willing to sacrifice my health for my job. I came to realize that I am not my job. Using identity markers, such as our job titles, for who we think we are keeps as enslaved to our emotions on a psychological basis. Learning to detach from such simple statements as „I am a massage therapist” to one of „I work as a massage therapist” allowed me the room to no longer hold onto that identity. Working as a massage therapist is just a job. One that I am good at, but it’s not who I am. It’s interesting to note that once I no longer attached myself to my career is when even the clients that showed up on my table also changed. Those that found their way to my table also wanted change. But they also knew they had to do the work. We are once again, a reflection of each other. And once in a while I still get those victims that expect me to do the work for them. But often times they never come back. And I’m ok with that. For those who stay, I’m forever grateful for they show me that they too want to chop wood and carry water. Day in and day out.
Final Thoughts
It is no coincidence that after trying to leave a career after so many years I finally found my why. And that why was a simple lesson that showed up with those that would show up on my table. I wasn’t meant to heal or help anyone. I wasn’t there to prove that I could do a job. I wasn’t there to transform a profession and turn it on it’s head. I wasn’t there to build a business. I wasn’t there to show those in my life that I could succeed. I wasn’t there to prove anything to anyone. I was there to find my worth. Not in the form of approval from others. Not in the way that I always told myself was the achievement of a good career path. To show that I could do something and accomplish it. The idea that so many of us carry into adulthood is to work, make money and save for retirement. Those somehow dictate a good life. How much money you make and what you have to show for it determine your worth. How others view you determines if you’re a good person or not. If you’re respected in your field shows your dedication to a career. Bollocks.
One of my clients in the not so distant past brought all this together for me. In one moment, I finally realized why I kept coming back time and time again to a career that kept calling to me. It wasn’t so that I could be „good at my job” and make money in it. It was a personal quest. One that I carry with me day in and day out. I continue to chop wood and carry water. Day in and day out. And I’m more then ok with that. And I’m also ok with continuing to eat a high fat high protein animal based diet. I have never felt more clear and calm in my day to day life. My N1 experiment continues.
Let your addiction for growth
be stronger than your addition for comfort
